Movies that you shouldn't ever watch again

[Ran]

There are some bad movies out there that were popular at some point. HBO, TBS, TNT, and some other channels sometimes show those movies. Most of those movies shouldn't be watched ever again. This thread will be that list.

I was bored last night, so I flipped to HBO. One of the HBO stations was playing Robin Hood: Prince of Theives. It's been a really long time since I saw it (probably close to 15 years), so I left it on while I was surfing the internet. It is a well known fact that Kevin Costner's English accent was terrible. I forgot that Christian Slater was in the movie also. He was pretty bad, too. Lots of other crappy stuff, but there is too much to discuss. The film also marks the point where Bryan Adams went from Canadian Rocker to cheeseball.

So, the first movie to be put on the list of "Movies that you shouldn't ever watch again" is:
Robin Hood: Prince of Theives

[vynsane]

yeah, that one is BAD...

It is a well known fact that Kevin Costner's English accent was terrible.

he was trying to do an english accent?

[Ran]

allegedly

[anarky]

Gremlins II: The New Batch. Not nearly as bad a sequel as some of the more prominent bad sequels (Highlander II: The Quickening, Batman & Robin, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation), but it's pretty bad. Even Christopher Lee and flying gremlins can't save this one.

It seems like it's trying to be far more slapstick than the original (which was a great dark comedy, especially for the younger set). The premise is that the old Chinese man dies when a corrupt business run by a Trump surrogate (something-or-other Clamp) demolish his place, and Gizmo is set loose in the world, only to almost immediately run into good old Billy Peltzer. Billy now lives in New York, as does his girlfriend Kate (bringing the returning characters to three, counting the old man), and works for Clamp, who it turns out isn't nearly as bad as his minions are.

Anyway, long story short, Gizmo rather quickly gets wet, and a new bunch of evil mogwai very soon eat after midnight (seriously, how many bad kids has Gizmo had?). The twist here: the gremlins have access to a genetics lab in the building, because every Manhattan skyscraper has offices, shops, restaurants, and a fucking genetics lab! So they drink all sorts of concentrated DNA, which transforms them into all sorts of new gremlins, custom made for the toys that didn't sell. Of course, Billy has to convince everyone about the truth, and wipe out the gremlins. You saw that part coming, didn't you?

On the surface, this concept is (although a little forced) not horrible. But the mutant gremlins are, well, stupid. As stupid as the jokes. One drinks concentrated X chromosome and becomes a girl. One drinks concentrated brain DNA (?) and becomes a genius (and is responsible for most of the jokes that fall flat). One drinks bat DNA and gets wings. (The joke even extends to him busting out through a windowshade, leaving the batsignal (complete with trademark logo) in his wake.) And one somehow turns into an electrical charge. Don't ask. I can't remember what he drank. Electric eel, maybe?

Worse than this, it tries a little too hard to echo the first. Kate, you'll remember, hates Christmas because her father dressed as Santa, got stuck in the chimney, and died. Here, we find out why she hates President's Day because of a pedophile in a Lincoln costume (probably the worst joke in a movie full of bad jokes). The leader of the gremlins has a mohawk like our old pal Stripe. (He's even named Mohawk.) And remember when they took over the theater and watched Snow White over and over until Billy blew up the theater? Here, they (supposedly) rip the filmstrip and start making shadow puppets on the screen. Actually kinda funny, until the jokes goes way, way, WAY too far, and we're supposed to believe that the manager asked Hulk Hogan (supposedly sitting in the front row) to tell them that they can't watch Snow White and to start the movie back.

In the whole movie, I can remember one funny joke. (It has to do with a PSA about the building being on fire, something like: "Fire. One of man's oldest tools, and our constant companion through countless cold winter evenings. Right now, this building is on fire.")

Short Circuit 2. This one's worse than Gremlins 2. I don't want to summarize it too much, since it literally hurts my mind to think about it.

I love Short Circuit. Far more than Gremlins. It is easily one of my favorite movies of all time. Short Circuit 2, though, just throws everything from Short Circuit out the window.

Johnny comes to some big city (I don't care to look up which) and, for some reason, the military no longer seems to give a shit that there's this billion-dollar war robot running around. He runs into the Indian dude from the first one, since everyone in a bad sequel has to go to a big city and coincidentally run into another character from the previous movie. Here's possibly the biggest continuity farts in the history of bad Hollywood sequel continuity farts. Remember in the first, when Newton Crosby, PhDork, asks where his people were originally from, and he says Pittsburgh? Well, in this one, he's trying to get his American citizenship. WTF? Does this take place in some pocket universe where Pennsylvania never joined the USA? No, wait, it just comes from a pocket universe where everything sucks ass. I don't even want to go further, or mention Johnny's stupid-ass bandana, because the pain in my head from talking this much about this piece of shit is almost enough to render me unconscious right now.

[Ran]

It's been so long since those movies came out, no only am I not sure if I saw them, I barely remeber the originals.



Senility. It's a good thing.

[Zero]

The first Gremlins kinda sucks in retrospect also. Remove nostalgia from the equation and it's pretty weak.

Any John Hughes 80's comedy. (BESIDES FERRIS BUELLER). They are no longer funny. Okay, I haven't seen Breakfast Club in awhile, but 16 Candles and Pretty in Pink are joke free. Even Ducky can't save those turds. FB, however, remains a paragon of intrinsic wit, a source of karmic zen insight, and a moral beacon 20 years later. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look once in awhile, you might miss it."

[anarky]

I have to disagree with you on Gremlins. As a "junior's first dark comedy," it's still a gem. You can't have them watch a masterpiece like Mystery Men until they know to expect people to get wacked in crazy ways.

Agreed on the other counts, though. Except for Robin Hood. I can't comment, as I've never seen it.

[Double_G]

They are no longer funny. Okay, I haven't seen Breakfast Club in awhile, but 16 Candles and Pretty in Pink are joke free.

Now I've never seen Pretty in Pink, but you can't tell me that Long Duk Dong wasn't funny in "Sixteen Candles".

As for movies I'll never watch again...both Mel Gibson movies. "The Passion of the Christ" and "Apocalypto". They weren't bad at all (Apocalypto was quite good), but once was enough for each.

[Zero]

That "tune in Tokyo" shit was HILARIOUS...In 1985. Now, it's stupid.

I have a soft spot for Robin Hood:POT. Alan Rickman's Nottingham is a GREAT villain!
"Why a spoon cousin?"
"Cause it's dull you twit. It'll hurt more!"

[anarky]

Alan Rickman?

I have to see this movie now. Rickman kicks everyone's nutz.

[Zero]

Alan Rickman?

I have to see this movie now. Rickman kicks everyone's nutz.

It's Hans Gruber level villainy, but with a touch more comic befuddled manic thrown in. Morgan Freeman has some pretty good scenes in the movie, too. His character is complete unbelievable 90's PC bullshit, but Freeman can make anything work, so you get past the ludicrous intro and enjoy the character, as it ends up freshening the myth up with some new spin on old ideas. A muslim in the Merry Men.



As for POS you never have to watch again: The Blair Witch Project. Want me to ruin the scary ending for you? Some dude is peeing in the corner and then they drop the camera! Ooh scary! assholes.

[kidhuman]

I like Robin Hood, a decent movie. Morgan Freeman is great as well as Rickman.

I always hated The Breakfast Club. Boring.....

[vynsane]

alan rickman is the only thing that can make robin hood: prince of thieves bearable.

robin hood: men in tights, however, is a different story. that shit's the mad note.

[anarky]

Rickman is so fucking awesome. I guarantee you (and those who have read know this) that you will shit your pants seeing him in Half Blood Prince, and you will cry like a little girl seeing him in Deathly Hallows.

Blair Witch was not bad for one viewing. It was tremendously overhyped. I think if it hadn't said at the beginning that the kids died and their tape was found, it would've been a million times better. As it is, you have no reason to care, because you know they're going to die from the first text flashed onscreen. Better to start with the bit telling that they went to investigate this legend. Then the movie. Fade to black, then the bit about the tapes being found a year later. That was some sloppy storytelling there. It's horror; whether you think you do or not, you need suspense for it to work.

[Ran]

alan rickman is the only thing that can make robin hood: prince of thieves bearable.

robin hood: men in tights, however, is a different story. that shit's the mad note.

How true on both counts. The guy who played Friar Tuck was pretty good, too.