the vynsane asylum

I hope this does not offend any lurking forumites out for world domination and vaginal cleanliness.

Doctor Douche

An obnoxious grad student is turned down for a date by a hot model, then extracts revenge by sneaking dog shit into the lining of her purse just before she goes on a date. He so enjoys the feeling of being a douche, he devotes his life to distilling the very essence of douchery.

So he gathers the DNA of history's greatest douches, particularly Othniel Marsh, Newt Gingrich, and General Sherman, and mixes them together, then injects them into his wife while she's sleeping, since, well, he's a fucking douche. Nine months later, she gives birth to a normal baby boy they name Louie, as well as an obnoxious little shit who grabs and rips out half her pubic hair on the way out. They name him Victor.

As the two children grow, Victor is a fucking douche to everyone he meets, aside from his brother, who he has to defend because his brother insists on wearing purple everywhere and all the other kids think he must be gay because, you know, kids are stupid like that. As he comes to maturity, his father reveals his origins, and he realizes he must follow in the footsteps of his genetic forebears. He takes the identity of a professional biker who's recovering from ball cancer and dating an awesome alternative rock musician, publicly dumps her when she develops breast cancer, and plots in secret.

His first attack comes when Dr. Doom tries to take over the world, as he does every week or so. Dr. Doom pre-empts all television communications and is ranting his manifesto to everyone. They're not paying attention because, really, Dr. Doom pulls this shit all the time. Victor is a genius, and quickly cobbles together a disguise and is able to hack into Dr. Doom's transmission. Suddenly, in the middle of Doom's rant, there's a burst of static, and the world sees a man with an amazingly well-done Dr. Doom mask, though with googly eyes, as well as a pink tutu, dancing around and chanting in a high-pitched voice, "Hey, look at me, everybody! I'm Dr. Douche! I'm Dr. Douche!! Look at me! Look at me! I'm going to take over your toilets and eat your poo until Reed Richards kicks me in the nuts because I'm a fairy!"

The world is mesmerized by the interruption of an interruption, and the heroes of the world, gathered outside Castle Doom, laugh their asses off, embarrassing Dr. Doom into giving up his schemes this time. Everyone wants to know who this new hero, with the power to shame villains, is. Victor rather likes the attention, and keeps the costume, though he wants to make sure that no one will ever mistake him for a hero again.

So he uses his incomparable intellect to determine the hero's identities and weaknesses, then is just an all-around fucking douchebag. He steals Daredevil's costume and writes all sorts of racist things on it, then returns it so that Daredevil is accused of being a racist the next time he goes out. He sneaks up behind Spider-Man during his monthly fight with Venom and plays a loop of Cypress Hill's "I Love You, Mary Jane" over and over. He breaks into the X-Mansion and replaces all their shoes with pointy high heels (which also retroactively explains the entire Liefeld era). He runs in front of the Punisher for hours on end while holding a baby, screaming, "Don't shoot my baby!" For Reed Richards, he simply challenges him to confront him on Jeopardy, then makes mincemeat of him while gloating the entire time.

Every hero on Earth hates Dr. Douche, but they really don't have a reason to take him down. After all, he's not technically a supervillain, just a supreme douchebag. Which, being a douchebag, he revels in and never lets them forget.

anarky wrote:So he gathers the DNA of history's greatest douches, particularly Othniel Marsh, Newt Gingrich, and General Sherman...

Also Lance Armstrong, Bob Kane, and Mark Toberoff.

No DNA of Lance Armstrong.

You must've glossed over where he becomes Lance Armstrong in his civilian guise.

A homeless man finds a walking stick that is actually the war hammer of a Weather Deity from an obscure Pantheon of Gods. He gains powers that allow him to blow hurricane strength winds out his heinie. He becomes Thunderbum!!
He has a fat, sassy black woman who is a paralegal and looks down her nose at people and says "mmm-HMM" a lot as his sidekick. She has the ablility to immobilize villains by sitting on them with her giant tushie. Ironically her name is also..uh..Thunderbum.

Mighty Wind. In an overly obvious homage to the movie, Mighty Wind is a folk singer. However, he's on the run from the law. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you why. It's because his mutant power first manifested itself while he was on stage at the Newport Jazz Festival (which always seems to be every genre except jazz, in case you're wondering). His deadly mutant power to release farts that kill.

You may say he's too close to The Spleen, but he's not, because his farts kill and he can't control them. Also because fuck you.

anarky wrote:You may say he's too close to The Spleen, but he's not, because his farts kill and he can't control them. Also because fuck you.

Then why did Paul Reubens play The Mighty Wind in the live action feature film version? Hmmm? Smart guy?

A hero called Blue Shift.

His arch nemesis is the Red Mirage, who shows up with increasingly ridiculous evil plots and gets everybody worried. But then Blue Shift shows up and pretty much doesn’t really do anything except show the RM’s plan was just smoke and mirrors.

Example;

Red Mirage:Behold, I have kidnapped ALL of Congress, and I’ll turn them into marshmallows unless you pay me $7 Trillion dollars. You have one hour!”

Everybody “Oh no! What will we dooooo?”

Blue Shift shows up five minutes before the deadline. “Oh hey everybody. I just checked. Congress is at home asleep and were never in real danger. Except Ted Cruz. He’s in a stripclub bathroom and is in danger of getting gonorrhea.”

Red Mirage “Curse you Blue Shift! I had everybody convinced the threat was real for like a few minutes after I threatened it.”