GIJoe

[Tom Foolery]

I once told a lady, "Slap my balls hard." I thought she had enough sense to know I was kidding. She did not. I was too sore to do anything else that day.

I laughed for a full minute after I read that.

[anarky]

Back to the lecture at hand....

(Gotta love Snoop references, if they're to the time when Snoop was awesome.)

I finally read Special Missions Vol. 1 last night. I've had it for a few weeks, but the disappointment with the van Lente book and the inevitable knowledge it could not be half as good as The Cobra Files kept it from the top of my reading list.

And it kind of sucked.

The science seemed bad (I can't swear to most of it, but I'm pretty sure the bit with the shark was total fucking bullshit). The characters were interchangeable and unlikeable. The plot was a needlessly-padded tale Hama would've told in 22 pages, with half the characters. Serpentor was insanely out of character--and the dude is a fucking celebretard guru in the IDW-verse, so you can't tell me no one recognized Minasian.

Most of all, what the fuck is up with Baroness? She's so on the outs with Cobra here over the fucking sunken boat (which is discovered by various parties all at once, so don't get me started on the bullshit coincidence quality here that I could've overlooked if the story were better) that Cobra Commander wants her fucking dead. But she's simultaneously the goddamned Cobra field leader in the "main" title. Yeah, they pick her up at the end. Empty-handed. Does she blow Cobra Commander or something? And someone refers to Duke's public team, the first mission of which was fighting the Baroness's crew of Cobras who'd never appeared before taking over Milleville Springfield Broca Beach Rancho Corba Whothefuckcarestown, so this has to take place after at least the first arc in that book. And she seems to be consistently on top in the main title, so fitting this story into place is kind of impossible.

I can deal with a minor continuity fuckup, but this is right up there with Sneak Peek just walking out of the Pit, or Reflector showing up in All Hail Megatron... only I don't foresee some surprisingly brilliant retcon to fix it.

Also, while the Baroness has always used her wiles as a weapon, when did she start wearing a fucking tube top into a bar that apparently was entirely populated with serial abusists?

Also, when did Bildocker go from this slimy, but almost in a badass sort of way, procurement specialist to fucking Newman? This is the same fucking writer!!

Also, fuck it, I'm tired of point out shit.

And I have to check again... yes, this is the same fucking writer who gave us tons of brilliant Punisher, Batman, and Robin stories back in the day. Amazing. Dixon's becoming the new Claremont.

[Tom Foolery]

Yeah, Dixon's been phoning it in on this new series. The second arc with the Drednoks is better, but not by much.

The same goes for the regular series. This second arc with Mad Monk is better than the first one, but overall the new direction for IDW-verse is headed the wrong way.

The only bright spot is Cobra. And that's ending next month. To be replaced with...?

[anarky]

I have decided that, disregarding the "retro" series (which are both, by definition, amazing), the quality of G.I. Joe and Transformers from IDW are inversely proportional.

When Transformers started, it was awesome. G.I. Joe, IIRC, began about the time editorial demands started hurting Furman's run on TF. Joe was good, and TF got worse. Cobra and All Hail Megatron started around the same time, one fucking epic, and one horseshit. TF got really bad with the first issues of the ongoing, and Joe was building the Cobra organization up.

Then, TF started getting better. Origins took a nosedive around the same time, going from its title to "pointless one-shot stories." Chaos Theory hit around the time the Cobra Civil War was sucking, and the Joe series kept getting worse and worse until it got absolutely wretched with that stupid Nanzhao story (which wouldn't have been that bad if the Snake Eyes issues hadn't been just fucking godawful).

Now, the two TF titles are the two best comics out there. Or maybe two of the top three, with the third being a TF book set in another universe. The two main G.I. Joe titles border on unreadable. Nonsensical stories with awful characters, an utter disregard for the carefully-laid continuity we had, and art that borders on Liefeldian.

It's almost like they had to relegate Cobra Files to being essentially unnecessary to the "continuity" of the other two, then cancel it outright, just because that book refused to follow the rules.

[anarky]

From the solicitations for the van Lente title:

THE SECRET HISTORY OF COBRA COMMANDER! BARONESS leads COBRA’s newest recruit, the enigmatic SIREN, on a journey through history to the earliest days of COBRA… but what is SIREN’s secret?

FC • 32 pages • $3.99

Bullet points:

• The secret history of the COBRA COMMANDER through the ages!

Does this mean van Lente doesn't realize Cobra Commander has an origin, or, as hinted at by the "through the ages" line, is he going to be the one to detail the entire backstory of the organization?

I have a bad feeling about this.

[Ran]

If it was the 80s cartoon, Siren's secret would be that she is really Scarlet in disguise.

[Tom Foolery]

Special Missions is ending with issue 14.
So we'll be down to just Two GIJoe books.

It seems now that Hasbro's properties help put IDW on the map, they've acquired dozens of new licensed properties and now they don't "need" the Joe books so they're scaling back. Oh, and also the quality of all non-Hama books that weren't Cobra have deteriorated. Will we be seeing some kind of yet another relaunch soon?

[anarky]

I don't know how they could without a hard reboot, and IDW definitely prefers soft reboots, but I'd love to somehow see a return to the original focus: tiny team of core Joes, Cobra practically a myth, even the lowliest Cobra Trooper badass enough to put a hurting on a guy like Snake Eyes, tons of Cobra infighting. Maybe someone can remember Mindbender discovered time travel of a sort just prior to the latest reboot and somehow turn back the clock.

I'd love one or two, or even three if they're consistent, Joe titles of the same quality as the TF titles.

[anarky]

So I finally broke down and read the Volume 2's of Special Missions and the main title, in that order since that's the order I received them and I assume they take place.

You're right. The Dreadnok story was better. But not by much. It bugged me that the Dreadnoks were tossed in, then largely disposable and almost identical to the original versions (aside from Thrasher). And how the fuck do the 'Noks keep a 12-foot croc in the middle of the fucking desert?

The other two stories (one-shots about the Fobbits going up against some Cobra Hacker and Bildocker in Florida) were lame. Not awful, just lame. And Bildocker's a third fucking character; now he's a Transformers fanboy? Also, why is Roadblock getting around so much, some sort of intended drumming up of the character to tie in with Retaliation or something?

The main title.... Ugh. I might not drop it only because I know van Lente's off of it soon, and maybe it will stop sucking ass. Because it's fucking awful. Is this guy fucking reading any of the comics, including the one he's crossing over with? Jesus. Duke's been married this whole time, and keeps it secret? Doesn't that kinda make him a scuzz for fucking all the women on the Joe team? Also, he's a fucking thief. Man, just when Renegades and his more important role in the new ARAH comics were finally making me like old Conrad, van Lente ups the dickweed quotient.

Cover Girl's origin was fucktarded, and a fucktarded homage of sorts to G.I. Joe: Extreme. Also, I really fucking loathe the idea that this mostly realistic universe started with a fucking guy named Bulletman.

Mad Monk knows he's a 1 on the Lome scale? And so does everyone else? When the fuck did that happen? Lome went to his death without telling anyone!! What the literal, not at all figurative, full-on, penis-in-gaping-vagina fuck? And Baroness is a mere 6, with Destro being a 5? Come the fuck on. This is horseshit.

Even that pales with Zandar and Zarana, who are nothing like any previous version and look like some weird attempt to channel the Sunbow Crimson Twins because the IDW Crimson Twins are totally different (and one's dead). And they're called Dreadnoks. And are affiliated with Cobra (I think, though that thing about them getting faulty info at the end hinted otherwise, though, still, what the fuck are they doing in the US and why don't they know bad ordnance?). And were totally absent in the Special Missions story, which they reference, and, fuck it, I've gone crosseyed.

When did Crystal Ball go from being this creepy ass mystic to a weird "Luke in bacta tank" psychic motherfucker who's apparently mentally connected to the internet and can see the future? And how fucking bad is Doc II's science that she somehow noticed that the bacteria was aerobic (because you can totally see that, y'know?) and drowned it in the Hudson? Thanks. If your writer wasn't such a fucktard, you'd have just killed New York, you dumb bitch.

Roadblock's origin. Wow. Every bit as fucktarded as Cover Girl's, and a worthless "homage" to a completely different continuity. I hope IDW doesn't think this shit is a good idea; I'd hate to see Rodimus remember how Optimus Primal helped him overcome his addiction to JaAm so he could help Captain Funzone arrest Blackzarak. So the guy in the early issues of Origin who was clearly Roadblock but called Heavy Duty and was such an integral part of the early team really wasn't Roadblock but Roadblock was his cousin who was on medical leave but still snuck in the Pit and beat up Snake Eyes and Heavy Duty must've died or faded away and Roadblock changed his appearance to look like him and became every bit the integral part of the team his cousin was? Fuck me, my head hurts. More from the knowledge I paid for this shit than from trying to figure this shit out because I know one cannot simply figure out shit that's this shitty.

Seriously, only the knowledge he's leaving is making me have the slightest interest in reading further. And then only if I hear his replacement is better. (Then again, a monkey with a typewriter couldn't be worse.)

The backup humor bit about the Cobra intern was a million times better, and it would've felt like incredibly weak filler in even Youngblood or Brigade during that stupid Image stunt where they jumped to #25 for a month (even though the books never made it close to that far) and the stories made absofuckinglutely no sense.

[anarky]

Fuck, I was just going back to see what I said about this series when it launched (because I know it looked like it could be excellent), and the exchange about Sizzler and ball-tickling on the previous page is far more entertaining than any of the non-Hama IDW books have been in years.

[anarky]

Back to the crossover book:

Which universe will these stories take place in?

Scioli: The best of all possible universes. Neither "G.I. Joe" nor "Transformers" has resolved itself into the kind of rigid universe that Marvel has. Even DC's Universe is incredibly fluid by comparison. To me, that makes this project more appealing. If there were a rigid universe readers were expecting to see, or to see a clearly explained break from, that wouldn't work for me. This is another iteration to these characters. Because there is not yet a definitive version of these characters (the way '60s Kirby comics are the definitive Marvel comics, the way the original "Star Wars" trilogy is definitive), I plan to make this the definitive version of both those universes. In my mind, at least. Any deviation from what has been established in the past will be in the service of making the best possible story.

So, the guy who never read Hama's comic book until getting this assignment, and who thinks the fucking awful early fill-in issue with Cobra walkers is the bestest thing ever, thinks there's no definitive version of the Transformers characters.

And the new art exclusive to this article is just as painful to look at. The writing would be the worst thing if the art wasn't so horrible.

Yeah, dude, who have you got photos of blowing someone, and who's being blown in those photos? Because otherwise I can't figure out how you're working in comic books.

[Tom Foolery]

I already have that issue. I'm missing the issue before it with Roadblock on the cover. And also the elusive Special Reprint of GIJoe 61 with McFarlane's art and the Mcfarlane Spidey pose of Snake-Eyes on the cover. That fucker is hard to find and EXPENSIVE.




jesus... how many times has he re-used that image??? that's once right there, an issue of spider-man (#13 i think) with the black costume instead of the red and blues, and an issue of spawn. anyone know of any more?

That fucker WAS hard to find. I've been looking for twenty years.
But Expensive? I paid 30 cents for it. MWAH-Hah-hah-hah-haaaa!!! mine is an evil laugh!!!

[anarky]

Now you just need the G.I.Joe and the Transformers TPB with the bitchin' Wildman cover.

How is the McFarlane art? And is there maybe an intro explaining why an entire issue was shelved and redrawn?

[Diabolical]

How is the McFarlane art? And is there maybe an intro explaining why an entire issue was shelved and redrawn?

http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.co ... ealed-182/

[anarky]

Thanks. I'd forgotten about that installment.

However, Comic Book Legends Revealed didn't exist in 1994, so that would've been hella weird for a fan.