You're probably familiar with Transformers Alternators, right? Ultra-nice Transformers (aside from Windcharger, who sucked) based upon actual cars. Well, in Japan, they were called BinalTech. And there was actually a story there. See, in Japan, they have all these goofy assed shows like that TF:RID hunk of shit that was imported here a few years back, but they also have this sort of long line of shows that continue the original series. In 2005 or so (never mind that there is a huge battle going on with Unicron at the same time, as they tend to pick and choose exactly how to "honor" past continuity), a bunch of human villains from the original series, led by everyone's least favorite mad scientist, Dr Arkeville, creates this space rust that starts killing Transformers. So the Autobots on Earth (and, obviously, the Decepticons, too) have to undergo the BinalTech process to give them new bodies. Don't ask how any form of rust can affect only Cybertronian metal, nor why Grimlock (who was built on Earth) has to get a new body, either. If you got the 20th Anniversary DVD of TF:TM and watched the "Scramble City" episode in the bonus features, you know that these Japanese-exclusive episodes tend to make the American cartoon look like the fucking Sopranos in comparison.
So about a year later, time for a new permutation on the idea: Kiss Players. (The Alternators released here as Optimus Prime, Nemesis Prime, and Rodimus were actually Kiss Players, not BinalTechs. Not sure about Rumble and Ravage.)
I'd seen the name before, and thought it was just some catchy BS Japanese name. You know, like "Happy Happy Car Turn to Robot, Make You Happy, Bring Family Honor!!!" They tend to like some weird-ass names there.
I was wrong.
Dead wrong.
Apparently, there are a lot of little girls in this series. Some are supposed to be in their 20s, but all are drawn like they're 10-12. These girls suddenly discovered that they'd developed the ability to merge with Transformers by kissing them, thus resulting in a more powerful Transformer.
So, this was a move to bring in younger, female audiences? Uh, how do I put this? Just bear in mind that this is the country where you can get used little-girl panties from a vending machine. This show is geared toward a perverted older male crowd.
For you see, when they merge with the Transformer, they lose most of their clothing. And, when they separate, they're basically spit out totally naked, covered in what appears to be semen. I swear to God, it's tough to type that and keep a straight face, but I did not make that up.
The girls seem to be totally vapid. One is an idiot who eats cakes and hohos all the time. A second is a Chinese idiot, so she eats pork buns all the time. A third is supposed to be Marissa Fairborne, who appeared in Season 3 of the American show, and is supposed to be Flint and Lady Jaye's daughter. Only, uh, she's a kid, too.
And, somehow, during all this insanity, Hot Rod has been reduced to stealing underwear for the girls. Not sure how that happened. Also, they don't like to kiss him, because he eats a lot of fish and has stinky breath. Not sure how that happened, either. For the third most ridiculous thing about Hot Rod, he's obsessed with kissing the Chinese girl. Definitely not sure how that happened, and interested in knowing how Arcee would react.
The villains? They are called Legion. Apparently, when Rodimus threw Galvatron from Unicron in 2005, he passed through Earth's atmosphere before smashing into Chaar. (There wasn't a lot of reference on the old show, but I'm pretty sure Earth wasn't on the way from Cybertron to Chaar. Oh, and I'm not even going to try to figure out how Rodimus did that when he was on Earth trying to make out with a girl who couldn't stop shoving pork buns into her face.) Some of Galvatron's cells (WTF???) broke off and fell across the globe, infected various creatures and objects to create this new menace. They all are cybernetic Transformers and, uh, wear masks with Megatron's face for some odd reason. Oh, and they have huge tongues that look like penises. I don't mean that they're long and prehensile. I mean that they have clearly delineated heads and peeholes, and usually are dripping with some sort of white liquid. Which makes their desire to eat the preteen girls even more sick.
Oh, and, uh, after the final battle, the girls on both sides joined up and started a pop band, and were transported back to 1985 where they got to interfere with events from the original TF miniseries. Or something. My head hurts way too damned much to think about it now.
This is totally true.
If you do not believe me, click here. Be sure to click on the names of various characters for more wacky fun.
