Facebook status updates guaranteed to get some responses

[anarky]

(Though not necessarily good ones.)

Anarky wishes all his non-related female friends would post topless pictures.

[Diabolical]

Anarky wishes all his non-related female friends would post topless pictures.

Diabolical and 7,218 others like this.

[anarky]

Thing is, we both know that only the ugly ones would do it. The ones worth seeing would be offended.

[anarky]

anarky is having sex.

[If I didn't have a lot of family and a few vocal friends of the "born again, Jesus hates everything that's fun" variety, I might try that one. The responses ought to be interesting.]

[Rollo Tomassi]

Here's a few that would raise eyebrows...

"...just discovered the joys of anal plugs."

"...thinks the age of consent should be lowered to eight."

"...is pissed because just when I worked up the courage, the fucking gun is jammed or some bullshit."

"...is excited his mail order bride arrives today!"

"...just joined the Westboro Baptist Church. Now all you sinners will PAY!!"

"...can't get it up unless I see other men fucking my GF."

"...decided I've had it with cleaning the toilet all the time so will now be taking dumps in my garden."

[mabudon]

"is my urine supposed to taste like caramel, or is that a bad thing??"

[Diabolical]

"stupidsexyteenagers..."

[anarky]

For Saturday:

"Nine years ago today, Bob Dylan released 'Love and Theft.' Let us never forget."

[Batman]

POSTING IN THE DAYTIME, WHEN I HIDE IN THE SHADOWS. VERY DEVIOUS, ANARKY! VERY DEVIOUS, INDEED!

BUT YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME FOREVER. I AM LIKE A RABID HOUND, SNIFFING OUT THE STENCH OF YOUR EVIL!

I SHALL DESTROY YOU!

FOR I AM THE NIGHT!

I AM VENGEANCE!

I AM THE GODDAMN BATMAN!!

[Rollo Tomassi]

"Foster Children make the best fuckpuppets"

"Wonders why its a fauxpas to fart at funerals"

"Juggling strangers' balls doesn't pay like it used to. I hate the goddamn recession."

"My priest just told me he has gonorrhea. I am hurt and distrustful now."

[Rollo Tomassi]

"never actually had a 'dead hooker' in my room before. Hrmm...interesting."

[Diabolical]

"I was just cookin' up some meth and it smelled like cake. Is that unusual?"

[anarky]

"...was just cooking up some cake, and it smelled like meth. Is that unusual?"

"...likes young boys and he cannot lie."

[anarky]

"...is fantasizing about Christine O'Donnell naked on a satanic altar while masturbating. How ironic is that?"

(If you don't know, I advise you to look her up. She's the funniest thing to happen to American politics since Colbert's 2008 presidential run, if not ever.)

[anarky]

Came up with seven today. For those not in the know, adding the "@" sign tags someone in your status, meaning they receive a notification they were tagged and it will show up on their friends' news feeds.

"...got a cute shirt for my daughter today. It says, 'I can't wait until I'm old enough to put out!'"

"...had a dream that brought back the repressed memories of when I was abused by @[name of a totally innocent uncle]. The next family reunion oughtta be fun!"

"Of all my wife's co-workers, I'd most like to fuck @[random co-worker's name]."

"My wife sure takes a dicking and keeps on licking!"

"...would like to celebrate five years of exclusively fucking @[wife's or girlfriend's name]. Happy anniversary, honey!"

"...keeps telling @[wife's name] that I wish she could blow me as well as @[name of random female college friend with whom you never had any sexual contact whatsoever] used to."

"...just had the most amazing sex with @[name of the straightest male friend you have]. I hope @[his wife's name] isn't jealous, but she is one lucky girl."