Dude, the Romans were severely fucked-up

[anarky]

This shit makes me want to watch Rome, which I was never opposed to seeing, but never got around to seeing. These motherfuckers were the most depraved sons and daughters of bitches to ever live. No shit.

First of all, there's the whole crucifixion thing. Seriously, think about how incredibly fucked-up this is. You have a prisoner. You flog him within an inch of his life. You make him carry this huge limb through town while people throw shit at him and he's already 3/4 dead. Then you nail him to a tree in such a manner that is designed to prolong the torture as he suffocates to death. Variations included nailing dicks to the tree as well, or hanging them upside down. Fuck, dude, that is really twisted as hell. You don't need Mel Gibson to tell you that ain't a walk in the park unless you're half retarded.

The emperor Caligula fucked his sisters, impregnated at least one, and had people publicly sawed into pieces. The wife of his successor (who ruled in his stead when he was absent) held fuck-off contests with prostitutes and forced men to sell their wives into prostitution and watch them get boned, on penalty of death. Nero was a lightweight; he was just fucking loony and violent as shit and thought he was an actor. Commodus kept a harem of 600 young boys and girls. Elegabalus dressed as a woman and worked as a prostitute ("Hey, isn't that a dick? Oh, sorry, Emperor, I didn't recognize you."), and once crushed a roomful of people with rose petals.

One of the fucked-upedest things I've seen concerns Caligula's rival for the role of emperor, Tiberius. "He had little boys trained as 'minnows' to chase him when he went swimming and to get between his legs and nibble him. He also has babies not weaned from their mother's breast suck at his chest and groin." Fucked-up as it sounds, Caligula was probably the saner choice.

[Sleazer]

Rome was/is an awesome show. I don't know how accurate it is, just that it's a great show.

[Ran]

There was a show on the History channel or something about the Romans. They didn't necessarily nail people to the crosses often. Metal was too valuable. Archeologists barely found any bones from that time with signs of them using nails. They usually just tied the person to the cross.

The later Roman emperors were inbred and things started going downhill. Some of them suffered from lead poisoning, too.

Rome was a damn good show. Plenty of violence and nudity. They followed some of the history, condensed parts, skipped events, and took some liberties with other parts. I guess it can be considered sort of accurate at best.

[anarky]

Kinda like Deadwood, then.

Thing about crucifixion, there aren't too many remains of anyone who was crucified with or without nails. But there are lots of records of people being crucified. From what I gather, it was up to whoever sentenced the accused and how twisted they were how the specifics played out. But, yeah, I'd definitely think nails would be saved for special circumstances.

[Caligula]

How darest thov start a discvssion of how fvcked-vp my ilk doth be, and not devote it entirely to yovrs trvly? I am hvrt, anarky, deeply hvrt. I strive to be the fvcked-vppedest of the fvcked-vp, and thov dost rob me of mine dve? I shalt have thee ass-abvsed by a gorilla!

[Bizarro The Grin]

nO SHIT! i REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME i WENT TO RAM MY SHAFT DOWN YOUR DADDY'S THROAT, AND YOU, YOU COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE THAN THREE AT THE TIME, YOU ASKED ME IF YOU COULD GO IN FROM THE SOUTH! aND, AS i WAS SPURTING MY LOAD INTO gERMANICUS'S MOUTH, YOU WERE BLOWING YOURS (WHICH i DIDN'T THINK WAS POSSIBLE FOR SUCH A LITTLE BRAT!) INTO HIS ASS, AND, AS A RESULT, WE BOTH GOT OUR DICKS BATHED IN EACH OTHER'S GLOMP. aND i THOUGHT, "mAN, THIS LITTLE FUCKER IS sick! iF HE WERE TO JOIN tHE gROUP, WHICH HE'S DEFINITELY MESSED-UP ENOUGH TO WANT TO DO, WE'D HAVE TO ADD A FEW HUNDRED 'BIZARROS' BEFORE HIS NAME!"

aND WE BOTH KNOW THE ONLY REASON YOU KNOCKED UP YOUR WIFE IS TO FEEL MY HOT MAYONNAISE SPURTING DOWN YOUR THROAT. hELL, YOU EVEN TOLD ME, "tHE ONLY REASON i KNOCKED VP MY WIFE IS TO FEEL YOVR HOT MAYONNAISE SPVRTING DOWN MY THROAT!"

sICK, SICK BASTARD. aND ONE HELL OF A GOOD FUCK.

tO THE REST OF YOU: PLEASE DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIMPLE FACT THAT MY BEING IN aNCIENT rOME TOTALLY CONTRADICTS ALL THE OTHER STORIES i'VE TOLD ABOUT MY PAST AND THE COLLECTIVE PAST OF tHE gROUP. wE'RE REALLY NOT BIG ON CONTINUITY HERE, JUST ON FUCKING YOUR PARENTS.

[Caligula]

Hey, BTG. Been a long time. Too long.

Back to my idiot brother Gemellvs Tiberivs and the "minnows" thing: I didst have a pool fvll of naked yovng boys, too, but I never mincved words. You know what I called them? "Yovng boys." And I never saith they "nibbled" me, either. I simply spaketh the trvth and said I fvcked them to death. Want to know why? When yov're trying to be ivdged as the most fvcked-vp, what doth be scariest, saying, "Yea, I didst be nibbled by minnows this morning," or "I fvcked a poolfvl of yovng boys to death"? We spaketh before the Senate, and they didst say, "Caligvla is definitely the most fvcked-vp. He scares me. We'd better verily maketh him Emperor or he might do something even worse!" Not to worry about Gemellvs Tiberivs, thovgh: I goteth him a cvshy job in Accovnting.

Trvth, when a yovng boy didst not cry ovt vpon being penetrated, I didst take mercy and alloweth him to live. A legion of my finest gvards didst hold him in place whilst I abvsed his mother before his eyes, even as she did, vpon penalty of death, fellate a hippopotamvs to completion. Then, when both myself and the hippopotamvs were sated, I didst chop her to bits, fry her up with some soy savce, eat her, wait for her to fvlly navigate my digestive bowels, then shitteth her out and make the boy eat my shit. At that point, he was free to go abovt his life, no harm, no fovl.

[anarky]

Ever wish for the good old days, when Snigtad told you you smelled gay in about thirty different topics, Perpantor turned shit purple, and The Grin bragged about porking your mom?

[The Grin]

*sniff sniff*

Smells sort of gay in here. Oh, hello, Caligula. I was just thinking about jumping in the Pimpmoblie 3000, hitting the Flux capacitor, and going back ancient Rome to bang your wife/sister. Hopefully your mom is there so we can make it a threesome.