HO HO HO!

[The Joker]

No, it's not Santa. It's your old pal The Joker! I'm taking over for that jolly incompetent fatass this year, so I'll be distributing gifts for all you good little boys and girls.

TODAY'S GIFT GOES TO MR. JJREASON!


It's a dead cat!

Just the way I like my pussy. Dead and run over by a car.

HAHahAppy HOLIDAYS!

[Santa Claus]

I'm taking over for that jolly incompetent fatass this year, so I'll be distributing gifts for all you good little boys and girls.

The fuck you say, dipshit. I will pop a cap in your punk ass so fast if you even talk that way again.

Here's jjreason's real gift:

CoalBituminous[1].jpg (37.82 KiB) Viewed 8219 times

It's a lump of fucking coal!

Sometimes, the classics are the best! Ho ho ho, bitch!

[The Joker]

The fuck you say, dipshit. I will pop a cap in your punk ass so fast if you even talk that way again.

And I thought my jokes were bad. C'mon, fatass, it's Christmas! Where's your holiday cheer? Oh, by the way, I know that you're a hoax. Wanna know why? Get a load of this:

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT, there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT, since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the
total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8
million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each home.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to
822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to
park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of
these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops
to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus
feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves
at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a conventional reindeer can run,
tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego
set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land,
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that "flying reindeer" could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth ocean liner.

353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same
fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead
pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per
second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be
vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile,
will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than
gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be
pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

IN CONCLUSION - IF SANTA EVER DID DELIVER PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE, HE'S DEAD NOW! HOOHAHAHAHA!!!


Without further ado, today's gift goes to VYNSANE HIMSELF!

IT'S A DVD OF MAC AND ME!


HAHahAppy HOLIDAYS!

[unlimitedpudding]

I got a Christmas story too. It is called "THE STORY OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE ANGEL".

Santa was very cross.

It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.

The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked while making all the toys.

The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.

To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day, and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!

I've got to deliver billions of presents all over the world in just a few hours…all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree!!!

I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a stupid tree and he isn't even back yet!!! What the hell am I going to do?

Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "YO, FAT MAN! Where do you want me to stick this stupid tree this year??"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

Here is my present to vynsane

[Santa Claus]

It's magic, motherfucker. You know, the thing that causes wonder.

Oh, that's right. The only thing you consider "magic" is the feeling of Solomon Grundy plowing into your ass with all 27 inches.

Though I do concur vynsane definitely is getting Mac & Me.

[vynsane]

out of this world... and into MY heart!

[Zero]

ATTENTION EVERYONE.

ATTENTION.





MY PUDDING JUST RAN OUT.














ERGO, UNLIMITEDPUDDING...IS A FRAUD.

[anarky]

Are you still a moderator? Or a terrorist? Or whatever your story is?

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

I love how Mac's mouth is in a smile on the box art despite perpetually being a creepy round hole for the entirety of the movie.

[Zero]

Are you still a moderator? Or a terrorist? Or whatever your story is?

I HAVEN'T BEEN A TERRORIST IN QUITE SOME TIME. I DITCHED CABLE YEARS AGO (IT'S BEEN CENTURIES FOR ME. I TIME TRAVEL QUITE A BIT). DOES THE MLF EVEN EXIST ANYMORE? I HAVEN'T TALKED TO THOSE GUYS IN AGES.

AS FAR AS I KNOW I'M STILL A MOD. THERE WAS SOME KIND OF BUREAUCRATIC NONSENSE CONCERNING A CERTAIN SOMEBODY GETTING SHOT. BUT NOTHING EVER CAME OF IT. MOSTLY BECAUSE DOOM LIKES TO SEE HOW MUCH OF HIS RUSTY PECKER FITS IN REED RICHARDS MOUTH.

[The Joker]

Today I've got a Christmas joke for you.

*Ahem*

What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?




CANCER!

HAHAHAHAHOOHEEHEEHAA!!!

TODAY'S GIFT GOES TO SLICKER!

IT'S A BROKEN VCR!



Yeah, I didn't come prepared today, so I found this in a dumpster and figured it's as good a gift as any.

HAHahAppy HOLIDAYS!

[Santa Claus]

All right, Joker, I'll admit it: I was wrong. You are really good at this.

So good, I think I'm going to take this year off. Are you up to the task of delivering presents to all the kids? That pussy Jack Skellington wasn't, but you've got at least five pounds on him.

When you're done with that, and I'm done with fucking Abby Elliott in the Bahamas, perhaps we can join forces. Together, we can give these pantywaists an epic crossover like they've never dreamed of!

[Perpantor]

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE BOTH OF YOU!!

MY GIFT IS A PLATE FESTOONED WITH THE FACE OF ONE OF MY MOST EVIL MINIONS--MY SECRETARY!!

DO NOT FEAR!! THERE IS NO RECORDING DEVICE AND/OR EXPLOSIVE CONTAINED IN THIS PLATE!!

(HA HA HA HA HA!!)



DOUCHE HAS RETURNED!!
ALL HAIL DOUCHE!!
THIS I COMMAND!!

[Orbsah Stealth Ninja]

Deal Santa-San,

Prease giva me this ninja shilt for Chlistmas.

Arr hair douche, oyes!

[The Joker]

All right, Joker, I'll admit it: I was wrong. You are really good at this.

So good, I think I'm going to take this year off. Are you up to the task of delivering presents to all the kids? That pussy Jack Skellington wasn't, but you've got at least five pounds on him.

When you're done with that, and I'm done with fucking Abby Elliott in the Bahamas, perhaps we can join forces. Together, we can give these pantywaists an epic crossover like they've never dreamed of!

Oooh, now we're talkin'! I knew you'd warm up to me, Kringle!

TODAY'S GIFT GOES TO VINCE OFFER!

tombstone.jpg (32.72 KiB) Viewed 8058 times

IT'S YOUR TOMBSTONE, BOY! I'M COMING FOR YOU, YOU GREAT STUPID SELLOUT GUIDO!!!

HAHahAppy HOLIDAYS!
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