shitmydadsays, textsfromlastnight, ect.

[Diabolical]

tfln

Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?

just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived

pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

[Slicker]

(718): what happened last night?
(917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
(718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

[anarky]

What would Optimus Prime style be? Lying on your belly, with your chest raised and your arms held tightly against your sides? (Extra points if you can actually rotate your head into your torso.)

[Diabolical]

What would Optimus Prime style be? Lying on your belly, with your chest raised and your arms held tightly against your sides? (Extra points if you can actually rotate your head into your torso.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC1nUNWd_uQ

I can never remember how to embed youtube videos.

[anarky]

Second time in one day I'm being ignorant on this, but I don't know how to link to a certain time. Start watching at 7:00, and you'll see some REAL Optimus Prime sex.

[Diabolical]

I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.

Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.

We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall












just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

[Diabolical]

TFLN:

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok

Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.

Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.

She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now

yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

SMDS:

"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."

"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."

"Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking."

[Diabolical]

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.

then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again

Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war

i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.

he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone

i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day

I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it

I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume

You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online

I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.

I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"

"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."

"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."

"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."

"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's."

[Diabolical]

Why do they have to ruin everything?

Shit My Dad Says Twitter to Become a Sitcom

This has to be a first. Uber popular Twitter account shitmydadsays has already landed 29-year-old writer Justin Halpern a book deal, but today we’ve learned CBS also wants to make a sitcom out of the musings of Halpern’s kooky father. The show will be exec produced by former Will and Grace alums, and Halpern will write and co-exec the script along with Patrick Schumacker. And yes, the title will be changed for television.

Halpern started the feed after moving back in with his parents in San Diego, and he quickly learned that people think has father is hi-larious. Some recent gems include:

Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that.

[anarky]

It worked for Cavemen. If you count "working" as "totally driving it into the ground."

More proof that TV is increasingly devoid of any value.

[vynsane]

shouldn't his DAD be getting the writing credits? all he's doing is just writing shit down that his dad says. anyone can do that.

[Slicker]

If this show gets made then a show about vynsan(e) can't be far off. This site is pure comedic gold.

[anarky]

If shit like that is for real, I think Snigtad, Dell, The Grin, and maybe a few others ought to start up Twitter accounts and see how long it will be until we all get a multiple picture deal.

[Diabolical]

all he's doing is just writing shit down that his dad says. anyone can do that.

But he did and you you didn't. Just like abstract "my kid could do that" art.

[vynsane]

i don't have a dad that's and asshole and at the same time that witty. mine's just an asshole.

and i don't live with him, so it would be hard to keep up with on a daily basis.

i'm just sayin' - the dad deserves the credit.