Worst secret identities

[anarky]

Everyone complains about Superman and the way he just tosses on glasses and combs his hair differently. However, watching Batman today, it occurred to me that Superman's disguise is actually better than Batman's.

I'm serious. Anyone who actually put some thought into figuring out his identity should have no trouble.

Batman obviously has to have a shitload of money. Though he could be funded by an outside source, Bruce Wayne is super-rich. He has the money. That's the first thing.

Bruce Wayne runs Waynetech, one of the few companies with the capability to make many of Batman's gadgets. He lives outside of town (and I'm sure someone over the years had to notice the Batmobile heads into the county every morning) in a huge estate. And, even if the specific caves aren't known to the public, scientists have to be aware that the land Wayne Manor is on would be ideal for caves, providing Wayne with the perfect place to base his operations.

But, more importantly, Bruce lives a life in the public. And he likes to take in kids. Three young boys and a girl (I do not accept the existence of Damian). That's got to raise some questions about his personal life.

Bruce is on the scene when the Flying Graysons die. He takes in Dick as his ward. Shortly afterwards, Batman has a sidekick Dick's age. Dick goes to college. Robin goes to New York to be on the Titans. Robin changes to Nightwing. Bruce Wayne takes in a troubled street kid named Jason. Another Robin pops up. Robin is killed by Joker (not public knowledge). Jason Todd dies and is buried. No one seems to wonder why the kid had the shit beat out of him. Robin vanishes. The Drakes move next door to Bruce. A third Robin pops up. When the Drakes die, Bruce adopts their boy, Tim, who'd been spending a lot of time with him prior.

Really, only one twelve-year-old kid (Tim Drake) and an uneducated thug who grew up in a third-world prison (Bane) were actually able to figure out his identity on their own?

At least no one really has a reason to suspect a newspaper reporter is Superman.

[Diabolical]

At least no one really has a reason to suspect a newspaper reporter is Superman.

Except the fact that Kent looks exactly like Superman...with glasses. At least Batman wears a mask.

Besides, Kent may be the worst reporter in history since he's never there. In reality, the guy can only uses so many excuses as to why he's never around when a story hits before he gets fired.

[anarky]

But Superman's never portrayed as looking unusual. He's just a dude with dark hair. There's probably a few thousand people in Metropolis that look like Superman, and the average person doesn't know what Clark Kent looks like.

Bruce Wayne lives in the spotlight.

Daredevil probably has the best secret identity. Who would expect that the ninja superhero who beats the shit out of criminals is the same guy as the blind lawyer who defends them in court?

[Diabolical]

But Superman's never portrayed as looking unusual. He's just a dude with dark hair. There's probably a few thousand people in Metropolis that look like Superman, and the average person doesn't know what Clark Kent looks like.

Bruce Wayne lives in the spotlight.

So does Superman, who is probably the most famous man in the world (in the DCU), so odds are people are going to notice if you look like him.

Daredevil probably has the best secret identity. Who would expect that the ninja superhero who beats the shit out of criminals is the same guy as the blind lawyer who defends them in court?

Apparently everyone.
Matt Murdock being Daredevil hasn't been a secret in the Marvel U for quite some time.

[anarky]

I know that. I meant before they revealed it. No one would have guessed in a million years. Unless he and his seeing eye dog were driving their van around and shooting themselves from a cannon. God damn, I wish that show had been made. Just think of how it would've added to the mythos.

Superman might live in the public spotlight, but he has a pretty nondescript look, and there are probably tons of people who look like him. And, since he wears no mask, I'm sure a lot of folks assume he doesn't have a secret identity.

Plus, Supergirl (the Matrix version) actually shapeshifted into Clark Kent so Clark and Superman could be seen together. The only stand-in Bruce had for ages was Alfred, who could only perform the role for a short time, and not in any clearly visible setting.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Step 1. The first time Batman drove by in a souped up Batmobile, any person can figure out the guys loaded. (money loaded, not alcohol loaded)

Step 2. From there it's not a huge leap to look into the histories of all of Gotham's richest citizens and figure out which one has a truamatic history associated with crime.


I will say in Bruce's defense, that his public persona is the complete antithesis of Batman. He comes across as a lazy, incompetent buffoon with poor social skills. It'd be like if someone told you Andy Dick was secretly a brilliant ninja crimefighter. You're first reaction is "That guy? He's like a total douche. I would never see that connection."


In the real world a mask would NEVER work. I always thought it was especially absurd nobody realized Oliver Queen was the Green Arrow since all he wears is a domino mask (which covers up like 3% of his face) especially after he became MAYOR of Star City and was on the news every day.

[vynsane]

I always thought it was especially absurd nobody realized Oliver Queen was the Green Arrow since all he wears is a domino mask (which covers up like 3% of his face) especially after he became MAYOR of Star City and was on the news every day.

i think it would have more to do with the gay-wad beard.

[anarky]

Now that Bruce revealed he's funding Batman, it should be even easier. If he's funding Batman, that should tell everyone he's not the happy-go-lucky dumbfuck he pretends to be. And then figure in the kids. A connection revealed, even just a funding one, should put even more scrutiny on Bruce, and, really, a total of five Robins that just happen to coincide with five kids Bruce takes in (with one even dying when a Robin reportedly dies--you think Joker wouldn't have bragged about that shit?).

[Rollo Tomassi]

Now that Bruce revealed he's funding Batman, it should be even easier. If he's funding Batman, that should tell everyone he's not the happy-go-lucky dumbfuck he pretends to be. And then figure in the kids. A connection revealed, even just a funding one, should put even more scrutiny on Bruce, and, really, a total of five Robins that just happen to coincide with five kids Bruce takes in (with one even dying when a Robin reportedly dies--you think Joker wouldn't have bragged about that shit?).

This is why I thought Morrison's idea was fucktarded. You could convince some people thay aren't the same guy. But for every citizen that buys Wayne's lie, there's gonna be ten journalists, bloggers, random internet people saying they're the same guy. And that will just lead more and more people to looking even harder at his history and Batman's history. Morrison has no fucking clue how "real" people would act in this situation. As soon as Bruce Wayne got up an that podium and said "I fund Batman!" how many people immediately went "Holy fuck! They're the same guy! it makes sense!" Even if they only said it in a kneejerk Jay Leno monologue joke sorta way, its still gonna get people thinking and scrutinizing. It was a stupid stupid stupid move.

Not only that, but if you just admitted a vigilante is on your payroll, you are fucked up the ass with civil lawsuits from every criminal Batman has ever punched. And he can't let any of them get to court or he'll be subpoenaed and have to lie about soooo many things. So he ends up settling every single one of them. And BINGO the Wayne Fortune is gone in about two weeks. Because Batman has punched A LOT of people.