words of wisdom from my neighbor, senor assbutt

[Zaphod]

my neighbor is sort of like zorro, except he wears old iron maiden t-shirts. this thread is devoted to the brilliant things he says to me when i'm mowing the lawn.

hallo! my name, eet eez senor assbutt. why ees my name senor assbutt? eet eez because many people, they do not know that my ass, eet ees also a butt. and so i am called el senor assbutt.

[anarky]

Good enough a thread to hijack.

FB had an ad earlier where I could win $100 for writing a "Norah Jones poem." While I doubt this is legit, I still whipped up this gem.

"Norah Jones, Norah Jones
It is thee I wish to bones
You say come away with me
I just want to cum all over ye"

[anarky]

I forgot writing that. I should send it in to be published.

[Mister Roboto]

Señor Assbutt remind me of my neighbor, Herr Poopenschaäft.

[anarky]

Eh, fuck off. I know your secret secret: your parts were made in Japan.

[Senor Assbutt]

It is I, Senor Assbutt.

I am here to free your ass from the anal tyranny.

As my intrepid neighbor, Paco (whom you know as Zaphod), has begun this thread for me to share my words of wisdom to all assholes who love freedom, it would be remiss of me to not follow his wishes and do so.

[Senor Assbutt]

Always remember, my friends: Government derives from the will of the masses, and there is an "ass" in masses.

[Senor Assbutt]

Nothing more quickly puts an end to the oppressed kicking the ass of the tyrants than a pair of dirty underwear.

[Senor Assbutt]

The sharpest weapon to use against a dictator is flatulence. A fart can slice through pants without even leaving a hole.

[Senor Assbutt]

Freedom is the inherent right of all people, for all of us have two buttcheeks and a star-shaped asshole in the middle. Well, except for hideous mutants born without an ass, but they wouldn't be able to poop and would die of blood poisoning within a few days, so keep those disgusting freaks in a cage so I don't have to look at them.

[Senor Assbutt]

We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

And also the poopoopotamus.

[Senor Assbutt]

I know that sometimes the doon sticks to your ass after a messy shit. You may think, "Will my ass ever be clean again?" and consider simply pulling your pants up though there are still streaks on the toilet paper after ten or twelve wipes.

Compadres, persevere! It is worth the effort to clean every bit of doon from your asshole, for only a clean ass can be a free ass.

[Senor Assbutt]

Free your poops from colonic slavery! For, as is written in the Bumunist Manifesto, a fart is naught but the cry of an imprisoned turd. Release the turd, and it shall not cry out, so there will be no fart. And we all know that there is nothing so nasty as a fart that lingers long after the vacuum cleaner salesman who laid it has left the house.

[Senor Assbutt]

Merry Christmas, comrades! We celebrate today the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ, who freed our souls from the anal tyranny of Rome. As it is written, it is easier for a flatulent man to enter Heaven than for a really hard turd to pass through a sphincter.

[Senor Assbutt]

Today is the day that the gringos celebrate the birth of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., one of the greatest fighters in the ongoing war on anal tyranny. As Dr. King once said after an especially hard bowel movement that took him an entire hour (not counting reading time), "Freed my as, freed my ass, thank God Almighty I have freed my ass!"