Why can no one get Star Wars comics right?

comics rock. talk about them here. now. or just go to the "corn" section and wack off. i'll understand. i'll just sit here and read my spider-man comics.

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anarky
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Why can no one get Star Wars comics right?

Post by anarky »

Simple question.

Why is it?

I can think of a few good Star Wars comics, but no great ones come to mind.

The original Marvel series was laughable, even at the time. Forget the campiness of an alien Don Quixote and a giant green rabbit. The entire series was pretty fucking awful. It was ridiculous how much the gang hopped around the galaxy during the period between ESB and ROTJ--like some shitty action show, they'd catch up to Boba Fett on one planet, and he'd get away again. And let's totally forget the ridiculous post-ROTJ stories. Ick.

However, I must say that one annual (#3) contained the closest thing to a great SW story. A standalone about two kids on a planet, one convinced to follow Vader, the other to join the Alliance. Great character development there, thanks to Mary Jo Duffy.

Dark Horse's run is insanely bad.

First, there's Dark Empire. It's not even most important that they didn't bother to make facts about Leia and Han's kids jive with the already-published Zahn Trilogy (forcing a silly retcon by the inexplicably employeed Kevin J Anderson a year later). Nor that they used Dengar, who was most certainly killed by Mara Jade in the Zahn Trilogy (forcing an even sillier retcon). Luke falls to the Dark Side, the Emperor and Boba Fett come back, the Emperor dies, the Emperor comes back, the Emperor dies again.... It got fucking ridiculous. It was like Star Wars by Rob Liefeld.

Crimson Empire? Overrated horseshit. Just a couple of Royal Guards beating the shit out of each other for about six miniseries.

SOTE was a decent book. But the comic sucked. It was essentially the "bonus material" cut from the book. And it didn't seem like that much of a bonus.

All the old-school shit like Tales of the Jedi? Dude, who the fuck wants to read about Jedi who are technologically advanced enough to have spaceships and hyperspace, but primitive enough to use fucking swords? Not to mention that, if you're using new characters, you have to make them at least slightly interesting.

The ongoing (the one that became Republic) had the best chance. Early issues made Ki-Adi-Mundi interesting. But just as it was getting good, BAM! Ki-Adi's out of the picture, and some douchebag Cherokee Jedi named Quinlan Vos is in. Oh, and he survives Order 66. Yay. :roll:

Tales had some fun stories. Unfortunately, they decided that anything printed therein didn't really happen simply because some of the stories were humor. There was plenty of shit to make up for the good stuff, though. Maul vs Vader? Fucktarded.

Infinities was so unspeakably bad it defies all categorization. What If meets Star Wars? Sounds like a good idea. But they were so incredibly fucking ridiculous. Leia becomes a Dark Jedi and Yoda crashes a Death Star into Coruscant? Silly enough for you? How about Vader becomes a good guy and re-creates his armor in white? That should probably do it.

Empire was chintzy as hell. First story, they decide that Biggs lied to Luke on Tatooine and they were planning this massive mutiny, which was almost stopped by Hobbie, who was planning another mutiny but wasn't ready to spring his. Also, immediately after AOTC, what do the heroes meet but a stranded Clonetrooper! Let's just totally forget that, by this point, Lucasfilm says all previous stories are canon, so there is literally nowhere to wedge stories like these, or Leia meeting an old boyfriend, or whatever other forgettable shit came out of this series.

Lt Janek Sunber was a brief bright spot in the series. An ethical Imperial Officer, often pitted against scummy superiors and forced into moral quandries. Two issues with him were as good as the aforementioned Marvel Annual. But then, well, the coincidence police decided that he was really "Tank," from Luke's throwaway line in ANH, and Vader found out about this and started using him as a pawn.

Dark Times? I've not even bothered checking it out. The time period is ripe for good stories, but they've proven again and again that's not their aim, so I'll save my money.

Finally, Legacy. This series is horseshit even by Star Wars comic standards. First, let's totally forget this little rule about Sith and the whole thing about Balance of the Force. The galaxy is ruled by evil Sith who wiped out the Jedi again! What kind of Sith? Fanboys like female Twi'leks, and they like Darth Maul, so how about a female Twi'lek Sith with Maul's tattoos? Every single thing in this comic is masturbating some fanboy somewhere, and there's so little attention paid to story, I had no clue what the fuck was going on after reading three issues, so I stopped wasting my money.

Sad to say, with fanboys enjoying Dark Horse blowing them with this series, and Hasbro also beginning to blow fanboys with comic figures you've never heard of, we'll see Darth Aayla Secura long before Yarna, Cliegg, Tey How, etc.

But, truthfully, why the fuck do all these comics suck so much ass? True, Lucas himself has gone to shit, but why can no one else tell a good story in this universe? Genndy Tartakovsky had no problem with it. The only thing I can figure is that Lucas won't allow anyone who's obviously more talented than him write a story set in one of his universes (as also proven by the Indy IV/Darabonte debacle). I guess he just didn't expect Clone Wars to be so good, and got rid of Genndy before making it an ongoing series. Who the fuck knows?
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Post by jjreason »

You didn't mention the X-Wing series, which I thought was the best of the bunch. Tales of the Jedi had some high points as well, at least I recall the last arc ("Redemption", if I'm not mistaken) being very good.

It's all about CHARACTERIZATION. Lucas used very (VERY) basic types: princess, naive hero, rogue.... so to over complicate someone in the SW universe just doesn't work.

So what do you do about it? My suggestion is this: use characters we know already, and make the stories compact enough so that casual readers can actually get on board and read a fairly cool story about Vader or Han & Chewie. They might actually come back and buy another comic sometime.
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Post by anarky »

Ah, truthfully, I blanked out on Rogue Squadron. That was rather good. I wonder why Stackpole isn't writing all the Star Wars stuff instead of whoever they've got doing it now.

As for Tales, I got bored with it early on and didn't stick around for the last arc. I could care less about Ulic-Quel-Cay-Sunrider-Whozit.
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Post by Snigtad Flornbi »

U fags wood liek it if Captin Kurt fucked Dr Spock woldn't you?
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Post by jjreason »

Snigtad, I'd like it if you'd go and try to fuck a blender, light socket or toaster. Your choice.
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Post by Snigtad Flornbi »

You're mom is a blender, rite?
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Post by jjreason »

I suppose - but that's better than being a cum guzzling pig faced whore like your mom, Sniggins.

Hey Chux, were the X-Wing novels any good?
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Post by anarky »

Yes. Yes they were.

Why do I bring this thread back to answer a question I should've addressed months ago? I just read spoilers (well, not really "spoilers," since I'm not wasting time on the book) about the big villain in Legacy.

A'Sharad Hett, Ki-Adi's padawan from the early days of Republic (one of the few times they got it more or less right) apparently survives Order 66, hides on Tatooine for years and years and years, never being seen by any other characters, and then pops back up as a Sith Lord after Jacen completely steps out of character and re-creates the Sith Order. And then he becomes the big honcho Sith and takes over the galaxy.

My God, how incredibly fucking stupid are they? This is, quite literally, the same fucking story as Onslaught. Except that Professor X was never in a desert. Oh, wait, yeah he was. Fucking A, if you're going to rip off stories, don't rip off the totally horseshit ones!
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Post by Ran »

I read the first 4 or 5 X-Wing/Rogue Squadron novels (Last I checked, there were at least 7). The first couple were fine, but they got progressivly worse. The last book I read was where the empire was hiding the super star destroyer on Coruscant.
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Post by Eternal Padawan »

The books were the last vestige of good Star Wars story telling for me. I gave up on those, too.
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Post by Senor JabbaJohnL »

The only SW comics I read are the ones released in the Clone Wars multi-issue volumes (mostly white covers with a scene in the middle and a main character in the front). I think they're mostly Republic reprints, but most of them are pretty good. Mind you, they also have characters like Alto Stratus, who leads the Nimbus gang. Jesus fuck. But whatever.
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Re: Why can no one get Star Wars comics right?

Post by anarky »

The Clone Wars comics weren't bad. They're consistently the best stuff DH put out, even counting the goofy "Quinlan survives Order 66!" ending. Technically, they fall under Republic, which I mentioned before.

Clone Wars Adventures is also pretty good, sorta a kid's book set in the cartoon universe.

Again I bring up this thread. Why this time? There's a new crossover, one that Dark Horse is touting as "Star Wars' Civil War." (I guess they missed the backlash against Civil War, eh?) It spans all eras currently in production as regular series, meaning KOTOR, Dark Times (shortly post-ROTS), Rebellion (in that ever-more-crowded gap between ANH and ESB), and Legacy. But not any of the series, no matter how popular, that aren't being produced now, like Rogue Squadron or Tales of the Jedi.

How do you have a crossover that spans 4,000 years? Let me repeat that: FOUR THOUSAND YEARS. Do you know where we were 4,000 years ago? Hell, neither do archaeologists! That's around the time of fucking recorded history! (Okay, I'm fudging that number, but not by much.) This is like fucking Spartacus vs Serenity. No, that would only be about 2,000 years. This is like, uh, fuck, I honestly cannot come up with two stories of any major import that I can use as an example and that span 4,000 years.

And what story can possibly be big enough to span 4,000 years, but only be important enough to chronicle at a few randomly interspersed points? It starts in one year, doesn't pick up again until 3,880 years later, then comes up again 20 years later and 100 years after that.

They're revealing nothing about what the story is. Probably a wise move. The real story will be "A bunch of really stupid fanboys will believe any shit we tell them, so we sold more comics this year to people who otherwise wouldn't have bought some of them."

Finally, you know what they're calling this? Vector.

Hmm, doesn't that sound familiar? Wasn't there an incredibly popular, incredibly controversial book by a name similar to that? Maybe around the beginning of the NJO? I guess I could be wrong.
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Re: Why can no one get Star Wars comics right?

Post by vynsane »

anarky wrote:Again I bring up this thread. Why this time? There's a new crossover, one that Dark Horse is touting as "Star Wars' Civil War." (I guess they missed the backlash against Civil War, eh?)
not to mention the fact that "Star Wars" IS the "Civil War" of "Star Wars". Literally.
Forget how incredibly fucktarded this idea is. How do you have a crossover that spans 4,000 years? Let me repeat that: FOUR THOUSAND YEARS. Do you know where we were 4,000 years ago? Hell, neither do archaeologists! That's around the time of fucking recorded history! (Okay, I'm fudging that number, but not by much.) This is like fucking Spartacus vs Serenity. No, that would only be about 2,000 years. This is like, uh, fuck, I honestly cannot come up with two stories of any major import that I can use as an example and that span 4,000 years.
how about "clan of the cave bear" crossing over with "the fifth element"? i think that spans the requisite eras.
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Re: Why can no one get Star Wars comics right?

Post by anarky »

Clan of the Cave Bear might actually be a bit too far back. :) But I guess we'll have to settle for that, unless we get into stuff like Gilgamesh, which is historically significant but not especially good. Shit, even the oldest parts of the Bible aren't four thousand years old!

Is Vader going to reveal his secret identity in Dark Times just after we learn in Rebellion that Lando Calrissian is really a prick who shot Chewbacca into space?
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Re: Why can no one get Star Wars comics right?

Post by anarky »

Sorry for the double post, Grimlock, if you're even still around.

It's weird that, in looking around, it seems we're in the minority for not loving Legacy. I keep seeing people (albeit people who can't spell to save their lives) talking about how it's the best SW comic ever, one of the best comics of all time, etc.

When did a total lack of story and characterization that shits on previously-established continuity become "great." I bet these people read something like Watchmen or Dark Knight Returns and say, "Dude, that sucked ballz lol, whats the big deal, your stuped for reading this!"
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